The Day of the Iguana Page 3
“Aunt Maxine, where’s Uncle Gary?” I asked.
“He’s right there,” she said. I turned to a corner of the room, and saw a guy in floppy shoes and a clown wig trying to make balloon animals. His clown lipstick was smeared all over his face. His red clown nose, which was attached by a rubber band, was sitting on his forehead so he could blow into the balloons. He was blowing and blowing until the veins in his neck stuck out, but the balloon would not inflate.
“Hey Uncle Gary,” I said. “Is it all right if I use your VCR?”
“It’s in the den,” he said. He didn’t sound happy.
I ran out to the car and got the blank tape we had brought. When I came back in, the kids were smushing chocolate chip cookies into one another’s faces. Frankie was setting up his magic table in the living room. Ashley was putting up the Magik 3 sign. Robert, who was supposed to be helping, was following Emily around like a pathetic puppy.
I went into the den, closed the door, and looked around for the television. What I saw looked like an electronics department store. There were five remote controls on the coffee table. Each one was a different length and had different buttons in different places. On the wall, there was one big television and three little ones running down the side of it. But that’s just the beginning. There was also a CD player, a DVD player, a CD that recorded the DVD, a PlayStation One, a PlayStation Two, and an empty space next to that—I guess that was just waiting for a PlayStation Three.
I looked at all the equipment, and if you had offered me a zillion dollars, I couldn’t have told you which machine I should put the tape in. The entire cabinet was filled with lights. Red ones, green ones, white ones. Blinking ones, flashing ones, steady ones. Digital numbers changing constantly on dials that looked like the instrument panel of a fighter jet. I stared at all the lights and numbers. They were like a magnet for my eyes. I couldn’t stop looking at them, but I couldn’t really see them, either. They were just a big blur.
Come on, Hank. Focus. You can’t just stand here and look at the pretty lights. Frankie is counting on you. You promised.
I jumped up and down on one foot, trying to shake my brain into action. The numbers and lights were all there like they were laughing at me, daring me to read them.
I know what to do.
I squinched up my face and closed my eyes really tight, then opened them up really wide.
There! That would do it. Everything would be crystal-clear now.
I wish.
When I opened my eyes, everything looked just like it did before. I walked up to the machines and started poking them, to find the one that had a flap that would open for the tape to slide in. I got it on the third machine.
Good deal. This wasn’t going to be so hard. I was in business.
As I slid the tape in, the machine ate it like I eat a cheeseburger. Now I just had to turn on the TV and tape the movie. Easy. No problem.
Uh-oh. Major problem.
I flicked on the television and went to Channel 48, but it wasn’t the same channel 48 that we get at home. In fact, none of the channels were the same as ours. I surfed around and didn’t even recognize half the shows that were on. My aunt and uncle must have 500 channels.
I opened the door and stepped out into the hall. I thought that if I could find Frankie, he’d help me figure out the channel where the movie was playing. Frankie wasn’t in the hall, but one of the three-year-old boys was.
“I want to see a dinosaur on TV,” he said, trying to push his way into the den.
“I just talked to Mr. Dinosaur,” I said, “and he told me that all the dinosaurs are napping right now so you have to come back later when they wake up.”
“But—”
“Bye-bye. So long. Ta-ta for now. Later, dude,” I said as I slipped back inside the door and waited until I heard his footsteps fade away down the hall.
What now? Breathe. Breathe fast. The clock is ticking.
I picked up another remote and studied the front of it. There was a button that said “information.” That’s what I needed—information. Such as what channel the movie was on.
I pushed the button. Great news! The screen showed a program guide that listed all the programs and what channel they were on. Bad news! The information was rolling by at a pace only a speed reader could follow.
I tried to read the words, and I caught some of them. Tennis. Cooking with- It went by too fast. And there it was-The Mutant Moth That Ate Toledo.
It came on at the bottom. Next to it was a description of the movie, and by the time I got to the column with what channel it was on, it was gone-disappeared into the top of the screen.
“Hank, get out here,” Ashley called from down the hall. “Your aunt says we have to start the show RIGHT NOW!”
What channel was it? Thirty-six. Right. I’m sure that was the channel number I saw.
I got the remote and programmed in thirty-six. I pushed the RECORD NOW button. The red record light came on, and I felt a great sense of victory.
I was the king of these machines. They had tried to get me, but in the end, they couldn’t touch me. I am the machine master.
The door flew open and Jake came running in. Or maybe it was Zack. I couldn’t tell them apart.
“Why are you in here?” he hollered. “I’m going to tell my daddy.”
“Your daddy already knows,” I said. “Come on, let’s go do some magic.”
“I hate magic.”
“Yeah, I know.” I said. “Come on, I’ll race you.”
He kicked me and ran out of the room.
Oh right, now I knew. It was Zack.
Jake bites. Zack kicks. I’ve got to remember that.
CHAPTER 7
WHEN I WALKED into the living room, my mom and Aunt Maxine were trying to herd the kids onto the living room rug. It wasn’t easy. As soon as they got one kid sitting down, another one popped up like a jack-in-the-box.
“Sit down, Jackson,” Aunt Maxine said to a cute little guy with a buzzed haircut. “Don’t you want to see the magic show?”
“I don’t want to sit next to him,” Jackson said, pointing to a kid named Benjamin. “His diapers stink.”
“I’m not wearing diapers,” Benjamin cried. “I’m wearing pull-ups.”
“They still stink,” said Jackson.
“That hurts Benjamin’s feelings,” my mom said. “Do you want to do that, Jackson?”
“Yes,” said Jackson.
“I don’t think you really mean that, Jackson.”
“Yes, I do. His smell hurts my nose.”
“Emily, can you help us out here?” my mom asked. Emily and Robert were in the corner of the room, trying to name each tropical fish in the fish tank.
“Mom, I can’t right now. We’re watching the catfish suck algae off the glass.”
“Go help your mom,” Robert said. “I’ll call you when he starts sucking on the filter.”
Emily went up to a bunch of girls and said, “Come with me and sit down.”
The girls just stood there, holding hands and staring at her fingernails, which, as I said, are all painted a different color.
“You have weird fingers,” one of the girls said.
“Mom!” screamed Emily. “They’re not listening.”
“Step aside, Emily,” I said. “Let a pro show you how it’s done.”
“Like they’ll listen to you,” she snapped.
“Come on, girls. Let’s all pretend we’re bunnies and hop over to the magic show,” I suggested.
I put my hands on my head like two floppy bunny ears and started to hop. I turned around, and, holy cow, there they were—a bunch of baby bunnies hopping behind me. We all hopped over to the rug. And I was hoping, as I hopped, that no one was watching.
“Now let’s all jump into our bunny holes.” I squatted on the rug, and they did exactly the same thing, sitting down like little angels. I looked over at Emily.
“Hey, some of us hop it, some of us don’t,” I said.
Frankie had set up his magic table in front of the stone fireplace. I took my place on one side of him, and Ashley stood on the other. Frankie had put on his cape and top hat. Ashley had put our name, Magik 3, in rhinestones across the front of his top hat. She loves to decorate everything with rhinestones.
“Boys and girls,” Ashley began. “Welcome to our show.”
“We’re not girls,” the girls giggled. “We’re bunnies. Let’s hop!”
Ashley put her finger to her lips and tried to shhhhh them. But they were into their bunny thing, and went on hopping. Ashley looked over at Frankie and shrugged.
“Poof,” he said, waving his magic wand. “Now you’re girls again.”
“Poof,” they said. “Now we’re poofy heads.”
“Frankie,” Papa Pete whispered from the sidelines. “Get on with the show. Quickly.”
“For my first trick,” Frankie began, “I’ll need a volunteer.”
Seventeen pairs of eyes stared back at him blankly. No one moved.
“Maybe the birthday boys would want to help,” Papa Pete said.
Ashley picked one of the twins. It was either Jake or Zack. I couldn’t tell which one until he either bit or kicked. He came forward.
“Did you clean your ears today?” Frankie asked him. Then he mouthed to me, “Which one is it?” I shrugged. I really had no idea.
My cousin didn’t answer, he just gave Frankie a swift kick in the shin.
“Zack,” I said to Frankie. “It’s definitely Zack. ”
“Well, Zack,” Frankie said, “I think maybe you didn’t clean your ears, because look what I found inside them.” Frankie held a metal cup next to Zack’s ear, and made it look like quarters were falling into the cup. It’s a great trick, unless you happen to be my cousin Zack. He started to scream his powerful little lungs out.
“I don’t want money growing inside my head!” he shrieked, running to his mother.
“It’s okay, honey,” Aunt Maxine said. “It’s just magic.”
“I don’t want magic in my head!” he said. “I want to ride on a fire truck.”
I understood. Fire trucks are cool. I always wanted to be the guy who rides at the back of the hook and ladder, way up high at the steering wheel. That has to be the best job in the whole world, except maybe being the owner of Disney World.
Aunt Maxine carried Zack out to the backyard. This was a good thing. Now we’d know which twin was left, without having to wait to get kicked.
“How about a card trick?” Ashley suggested. “No one could possibly be scared by a card.”
“Good idea,” Frankie said.
By now, drops of sweat were rolling down his face and pooling up in his dimple. Frankie’s dimple makes him look so handsome-all the girls in our grade love it. But now his dimple was really coming in handy, to catch all the sweat.
Frankie picked up a deck of cards. He fanned out the cards in his hand, and told Jake to “pick a card any card.” Jake reached out and grabbed about twenty cards. Ashley took most of the cards and put them back in the deck, leaving Jake with just the nine of diamonds.
“Look at the card,” Frankie said to Jake. Jake started to turn the card around. “No, no, don’t show it to me,” Frankie said.
“Why?” asked Jake.
“Because if you don’t tell me, I will guess it. And when I guess it, that’s the magic part.”
“But I want to tell you,” Jake said, starting to get really red in the face.
“Let’s see if Frankie the Magician can guess the card,” Ashley said.
She took Jake’s hand and helped him push the card back in the deck. Frankie shuffled the deck with lots of fanfare, then waved his hand over the deck and said, “Zengawii!”
He held up the deck so everyone could see the bottom card. It was the nine of diamonds. Papa Pete applauded. He was the only one.
“Jake, tell us all, is your card the nine of diamonds ?” Frankie asked.
Jake stared for a moment at Frankie, then at Ashley.
Frankie asked again, “Is this your card?”
Jake opened his mouth. He was going to answer. All eyes were on him. He knew it, too. He stood as tall as he could without falling over.
“What’s a nine look like?” he asked. All the adults in the room laughed and Jake burst out crying. This wasn’t exactly the big ending we had been hoping for.
“Does anyone here know what a nine looks like?” Frankie said, his voice cracking.
The only one in the whole room who raised his hand was Robert.
CHAPTER 8
WHEN THE MONSTER TWINS from Mars finally fell asleep, it was truly something to celebrate.
It happened somewhere after the fried chicken dinner but before the second birthday cake. First one of them passed out, his cheek landing with a little plop in the frosting. That was Jake. I know that because he only eats frosting and Zack only eats cake. Right after that, Zack fell asleep sitting straight up, mid-chew, with his fork still in his hand. We knew he was asleep because he had stopped kicking.
Ashley, Frankie, and I cheered-but very quietly. We were taking no chances on waking them up.
Papa Pete picked up Jake and Uncle Gary took Zack and carried them off to their room.
“How about I set you kids up in the den,” Aunt Maxine said.
“Excellent idea,” Frankie said. “A few sleeping bags, a big-screen TV, and the best scary movie ever made.”
“What movie is that?” asked Aunt Maxine.
“The Mutant Moth That Ate Toledo,” Frankie answered. “I’ve been waiting ten years, three months, and fourteen days to see it. And tonight’s the night, thanks to my man Hank who recorded it for us this afternoon.”
“That was nice of you, Hank.” My mom smiled.
“What are best friends for?” I said.
“Two of you can sleep on the couch,” Aunt Maxine said. “There’s a blow-up mattress in the closet along with the futon.”
“That’s only enough beds for four,” Robert said. “Someone’s going to have to sleep on the floor.”
“We hope you’re comfortable, Robert,” we all said.
“Hey, that’s not fair,” Emily piped up.
“Fine,” I said, “Let’s be fair and take a vote. Everyone who thinks Robert should sleep on the floor raise your hand.” Ashley, Frankie, and I raised our hands.
“All opposed?” I asked. Robert and Emily raised their hands.
“Three to two,” I said. “Majority rules. Robert sleeps on the floor.”
I love democracy.
We set our stuff up in the den, and made it into the most comfortable place you’ve ever been in. Frankie and I took the couch. Ashley had the blow-up mattress. Emily had the futon. And just to show we weren’t totally heartless, we used the throw pillows from the couch to make Robert a soft spot on the carpet to rest his bony little head.
“Thanks, guys,” Robert said. He flopped down on his new bed, but the pillows separated and made a deep crevasse that he almost disappeared into.
“Look,” said Ashley, “The Pillows That Ate Robert. We have our own horror movie right here before the main feature.”
“Help, get me out of here,” Robert squeaked from under the pillows that were stacked two deep.
It’s not easy rescuing a kid from under a huge stack of pillows when you’re laughing so hard you think you’re going to throw up.
“Hey, let’s start the movie,” Frankie said, getting serious all of a sudden. “And everybody quiet. I don’t want to miss the opening. That’s when the moth slimes out of his cocoon.”
“Don’t worry, Frankie,” Ashley said. “It’s taped. We can watch it as many times as we want.”
There was a knock on the door and my mom came in carrying a tray of snacks.
“Look what I brought,” she said. “Celery sticks stuffed with tofu cream cheese and pimiento.”
&nbs
p; If you’ve never tried it, this is a combo to stay as far away from as possible.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, closing the door behind her. “Sounds yummy.”
“Where’s the tape?” Frankie said. “I’ll load it up.”
“No need to do that,” I told him. “It’s in the machine. Rewound and ready to go. All we have to do is press PLAY.”
I walked up to the bank of machines and turned on the TV.
“Wow,” said Frankie, “that’s one humungous television screen. This is going to be so cool. I’ve got to say this, Zip. Coming here was a brilliant idea. This is going to be so much better than watching The Mutant Moth That Ate Toledo on our little TV at home.”
He held up his hand for a high five as I passed him.
There was another knock on the door and Papa Pete stuck his head in.
“Is your mother anywhere in the vicinity?” he whispered. “I see she’s already been here,” he added, looking at the tray of stuffed celery with pimientos.
He came into the room, carrying a big bowl filled with ice cream bars. Not just ice cream sandwiches, either. But popsicles with root beer on one side and cherry on the other. There were also Fudgsicles, Eskimo Pies, and strawberry bonbons.
Some grandparents might bring you an ice cream sandwich for a treat, or maybe a Fudgsicle. But how many grandfathers would bring you an assortment of ice cream bars? Mine would, and did. I am so lucky.
Papa Pete took the celery tray away. “I’ll dispose of this,” he said, and then left.
I cleared my throat and stood right next to the television.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Zipzer Theatre. We are proud to be showing The Mutant Moth That Burped Up Toledo.”
“Come on, Zip. Just push the button already,” Frankie yelled from his place on the couch.
And I did! I pushed PLAY and hurled myself across the room to take my place on the couch just as the movie started.
The tape crackled with static and then the picture came on. A woman’s face filled the screen. She was wearing a pearl necklace and was holding up her wrist to show us a matching bracelet. She reminded us that there were only nineteen of these sets left, and we better call in a hurry. The phone number flashed on and off at the bottom of the screen.