The World's Greatest Underachiever and the Parent-Teacher Trouble Read online

  Frankie was right, and I knew it. If Ms Adolf caught me looking through her precious secret register, she would be really mad, madder even than she gets at Luke Whitman when he picks his nose and wipes his picking finger on the blackboard rubber.

  But on the other hand, I had to know what was in there. I just had to. It wasn’t like I was just a little curious. There was a super loud voice in my head saying, Hank, you must find out about your future.

  I looked at the register, then at Ashley and Frankie. I didn’t know what to do.

  P.S. I know, I know. You don’t have to remind me that there are only nine reasons on the list. I couldn’t come up with the tenth. As soon as I do, I’ll let you know. But don’t hold your breath.

  It was like the register was yelling out to me.

  Hank, open me! Come on. It’s easy. Just lift the cover.

  I reached out towards its dark blue cover. This was making me very nervous. I knew if Ms Adolf ever caught me, it would be curtains. I could feel sweat forming on all parts of my body – the back of my neck, my forehead, and I don’t mean to gross you out, but even in the little wrinkles behind my knees.

  It was really quiet in the classroom. The only sound was the big hand on the clock clicking to the next minute. I took a step forward. The rest of my life was just inside that book. I took a deep breath and reached out.

  “Will you hurry up, already?” Ashley said in a loud whisper. “If you’re going to do it, do it!”

  Her voice scared me so much that I almost jumped out of my trainers, which wasn’t easy because they were tied tightly with a double knot.

  “Ashley!” I whispered back. “You scared me.”

  “I’m just trying to help you. Ms Adolf could be back any minute.”

  I reached out again, and no sooner had I touched the register when I heard footsteps in the corridor just outside our classroom. The door swung open, but I was able to get my hand away just in time. All three of us stood like statues, trying not to look like we were about to do something wrong.

  It was Dr Berger, the learning specialist at our school.

  “Hi, Dr B.,” I said, trying to make my voice sound normal. I know her pretty well, because I work with her twice a week in her office.

  “Is everything OK, Hank?” Dr Berger asked. “You sound funny.”

  I wished I could tell her what was really going on – that I was afraid I was going to have to repeat the fourth grade. But when I opened my mouth, all that came out was, “Everything’s fine. Terrific.”

  She didn’t look totally convinced, but she’s so nice that she wouldn’t accuse you of anything unless she knew for sure. Not like Ms Adolf, who accuses you even when you’re just thinking about doing something wrong.

  “I was coming by to remind you that we changed our meeting times this week because of parent-teacher conferences,” she said to me.

  “Thanks so much, Dr B.,” I said. “I’m a big fan of reminders.”

  She looked around the room, suddenly aware that there was no teacher in there with us.

  “Are you kids on your way to break?” she asked.

  “Oh, yes,” I answered. “I’m a big fan of break too.”

  “Me too,” Frankie said. “We can’t get enough of breaktime. Isn’t that right, guys?”

  Ashley and I nodded like crazy.

  Dr Berger looked at us for what seemed like too long. In the silence, we heard the clock tick.

  “Oh my,” she said, looking at the clock. “I’m late for a meeting in Head Teacher Love’s office. I don’t want to leave you here alone, but Ms Adolf should be here any second. I just saw her on her way up from the playground.”

  “Great,” I said. “We’re big fans of Ms Adolf too.”

  Dr Berger gave me a funny look, nodded and left. I knew I had to act fast.

  “Ashley, go out in the corridor and stand guard,” I said.

  “If you see Ms Adolf coming, your job is to get her into a conversation so she doesn’t come in here,” Frankie said.

  “About what?” Ashley said.

  “About anything. The weather. Her grey clothes. Ask her if her underwear is grey too.”

  “I’m not asking her that!”

  “Ash, will you just get out there now,” I said. “You’ll come up with something. Go!”

  Ashley went out into the corridor and closed the door.

  “There you go, big guy,” Frankie said, pointing to the register on the desk. “It’s all yours. Hit it.”

  I was just about to grab it when the door flew open. It scared me so much that I dived under the desk – except I forgot that there’s no opening on that side. I flew right into the big panel of wood that stops us from seeing Ms Adolf’s knees when she’s sitting at her desk.

  “Hank, what are you doing down there?” It was Ashley at the door.

  “Ashweena, rule number one about standing guard,” Frankie whispered. “Keep your post.”

  “But I had an idea,” Ashley said. “When I see Ms Adolf coming down the corridor, I’ll knock three times.”

  “Knock four times. Knock yourself out. Just go back out there,” Frankie said. I love that about Frankie. He can really take charge. And I really had a headache.

  Ashley went back out into the corridor, and I stood at the desk, staring at the register. My hands were shaking a little as I lifted the cover and flipped to the first page. It was just the attendance records. Where were the marks? That’s what I needed to get to.

  “Could you hurry it up, Zip?” Frankie said.

  “I’m a slow reader,” I answered. “You know that.”

  I turned to the next page, and there they were. All thirty-one names in our class were listed, mine being the last. I kept my word and tried not to look at anyone else’s marks. I just let my eyes roll down to the bottom of the page, where I knew my name would be.

  And there, next to my name, were all my marks for the year. There were so many Ds in a row, it was hard to keep my eyes focused on following them all the way across the page. Wow, I must be the king of D-ville.

  “What’s it say, Zip?” Frankie asked. “Are they keeping you back?”

  “I’m looking,” I said.

  “Looking is good, finding is better,” Frankie said. “Here, let me help.”

  “No, I should be the only one doing this,” I said, clutching the register right to my chest. “I don’t want you to get caught.”

  Suddenly, we heard a crash in the corridor. It was followed by three clomps on the door.

  “Is that a signal from Ashley?” I asked Frankie. It didn’t sound like any knock I’d ever heard before.

  Before Frankie could answer, there were three more clomps. That had to be a signal. I threw the register down on the desk and dashed for the door.

  “Zip!” Frankie called out. “The book’s open!”

  It was! I turned and slid across the linoleum floor like a speedskater. As I slid by the desk, I reached out and flipped the book closed, pulled myself round the corner of the desk and headed back to the door – all in one move.

  Wow, I should really think about entering the Olympics, but not right now because I’m kind of busy.

  Frankie and I flew out into the corridor. There was Ashley, lying on the ground in front of the door, blocking the entrance. She was holding her knee and rolling around like she was in pain. Ms Adolf was hunched over next to her.

  “Do you think you can stand up now, Ms Wong?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” Ashley said. “I have a trick knee, and I can never tell when it’s going to give out.”

  “I’ve never seen it go out before,” said Ms Adolf.

  “That’s what I’m telling you about my knee,” Ashley said. “It’s a tricky one.”

  Ashley looked over at us. I nodded at her without actually nodding my head for real. When you’ve been best friends with someone your whole life, you can nod without actually nodding, and they know you’re nodding.

  Ashley understood my signal
. “I think I can try standing now,” she said, letting go of her knee.

  “Let me help you up, dear,” Ms Adolf said.

  She reached out and took hold of Ashley’s wrist. She pulled her up and leant her against her chest. Ashley was sort of tucked in under her armpit. I’m positive I saw Ashley’s nose twitch as it faced the armpit area. And to think Ashley was doing this all for me. I ask you, where are you going to find a friend like that?

  “Thank you, Ms Adolf,” Ashley said. “See, my knee is much better now.”

  Ms Adolf turned her attention to us.

  “What are you two boys doing inside the classroom during break?” she asked.

  “That’s a good question, Ms Adolf,” Frankie said.

  “Which is why you’re a good teacher, because you ask good questions,” I added.

  “I’m still waiting for the answer,” Ms Adolf said. I noticed her foot start to tap like it does when she’s waiting for me to answer how many twelve times seven is.

  I looked over at Frankie for some help, but I saw something I had never seen before. Frankie was speechless. Wordless. Answerless. It was up to me to come up with the answer.

  “Ms Adolf,” I began, not knowing where my brain was going. “We were in the classroom during break … because … we believe … that you can never be too early for science.”

  “That’s a very unusual attitude for you, Henry,” Ms Adolf said. She was definitely suspicious, and I knew I had to do some fast talking.

  “I know it is,” I said. “The old Hank wasn’t that much of a fan. But the new Hank can’t get enough of igneous rocks. As a matter of fact, I started a collection yesterday afternoon.”

  I said a silent thank you to the people who make those National Geographic specials for television. I had just seen one on volcanoes and how the lava from them produces igneous rocks.

  Ms Adolf raised an eyebrow at me. “I must say, I’m surprised by your enthusiasm but pleased.”

  Phew! That was close. I looked over at Frankie and Ashley. Maybe I’m getting all Ds in school, but every once in a while, I have to give my brain an A-plus.

  Ordinarily, I might have taken time to enjoy the moment. But I had other things on my mind. Like what I had seen inside the register.

  It said: Redo. That’s all. Redo.

  Now you know me. I’m no expert in vocabulary, but I do know a thing or two. One thing I know is what the letters “re” mean when they’re in front of a word. Like take the word “rewrite”, which is always what I have to do with my essays. It means do it again, and this time, use the dictionary. Redo. As in not good enough. No way, Jose. Do again.

  When I saw the word “redo” next to my name, I knew it could only mean one thing: I was going to have to repeat the fourth grade. It was the worst moment of my life.

  I thought about all my friends going on to the fifth grade, and me – stuck in the same class with my smarty-pants sister.

  I thought about how Nick McKelty was going to hold this over my head for ever and tell everybody he’s ever met that I wasn’t smart enough to get out of the fourth grade.

  I thought about the look on my dad’s face when they tell him that his only son, if you don’t count Cheerio, is being left behind.

  Wow. Redo. Isn’t it amazing how four little letters can make you feel so bad?

  I barely noticed anything around me on the walk home. It was like all the great sights and smells of my neighbourhood didn’t exist. I didn’t smell the sausages cooking on Amir’s hot-dog cart on Columbus Avenue or hear the guy playing saxophone at the subway entrance or notice the taxis weaving in and out of the bumper to bumper traffic. As I walked home with Frankie and Ashley, all I talked about was what I saw in Ms Adolf’s register.

  We arrived home, went directly to Ashley’s flat and plopped ourselves down at her kitchen table. Frankie, Ashley and I live in the same block of flats on 78th Street, and we always go to one of our flats for a snack when we don’t have an after-school activity. The only activity I had planned for that day was to worry.

  “Have a fried wonton,” Ashley said.

  “Ash, are you crazy?” I answered. “You expect me to eat at a time like this?”

  “Take one,” Frankie said. “Everyone needs something crunchy when they’re in a crisis.”

  “Oh yeah? Says who?”

  “It’s basic, my man,” Frankie said. “Why do you think baseball players eat sunflower seeds when they’re waiting on the bench? Crunchy for crisis.”

  “Yeah,” Ashley agreed. “My mum goes through half a bag of crisps when she misses a Jeopardy! question.”

  “We’re not talking about a game here, guys,” I said, reaching for a peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich instead.

  Ashley’s grandma, who has lived with them ever since she came from China last year, had made us her special snack platter – peanut-butter-and-jam on bread with a side of fried wontons and hot mustard. If you’ve never had Chinese hot mustard, then let me just warn you that it’s something you’ve got to be really careful with. If you eat a little too much of that stuff, the fumes go shooting up your nose, and before you know it, water comes flying out of your eyeballs – and I don’t mean a few tears but more like blasts from giant-sized super squirt guns.

  I swallowed the peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich in one gulp, without even tasting it.

  “Man, are you ever grumpified,” Frankie said.

  “I know I’m in a bad mood,” I answered, “and I have every right to be. Wouldn’t you be if someone told you that you were going to spend the next year in fourth grade AGAIN?”

  “You don’t know if that’s true for sure, Zip.”

  “Correction. You don’t know for sure. Ashley doesn’t know for sure. Her tropical fish don’t know for sure. But oh yes … I know for sure!” I hated the sound of my own voice, but I couldn’t help it. I was mad.

  Ashley’s grandma came to the table, picked up the platter of wontons and offered me one. She said something in Chinese, which I couldn’t understand, but after she said it, Ashley burst out laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “She said if you eat something crunchy, you won’t be so grumpy.”

  “Fine,” I said. “If it makes everybody here feel better, I’ll eat a wonton. In fact, I’ll eat the whole plate of them.”

  I reached out and grabbed a wonton like an eagle swooping down to catch a fish. Without even thinking, I swirled it around in the mustard and popped the entire thing into my mouth.

  “Is everybody happy now?” I said with my mouth full.

  Ashley, Frankie and Grandma Wong just stared at me.

  “Not crunchy enough for you?” I said. “Great, watch this!”

  I grabbed another one, dragged it through the mustard and popped it into my mouth. I looked like a chipmunk with a wonton in each cheek.

  And then the mustard kicked in and exploded like a crazed pinball inside my mouth. Up my nose, round my eyes and into my brain it spun. Wham! Pow! I felt like all the hairs on my head were standing straight up and about to take off into space like mini-rockets. I let out a yell that was so loud it probably shattered the glass windows in Mr Anthony’s Dry Cleaners three blocks away.

  “Zowee!” I shouted. “Zowee … wowee … kabowee!” Which in case you don’t speak my language means, “Ouch!!!! My tongue is on fire!”

  I had to do something about the flames in my mouth. After hopping around like a crazed jumping bean, I pulled my chair over to the freezer and jumped up on the chair so I was tall enough to open the freezer door. I yanked it open and stuck my head inside, flopping my burning tongue on to a tub of Mint Chip Häagen-Dazs, where it stuck like glue. Now my tongue was burning hot and cold at the same time.

  Grandma Wong was shouting commands at me, but they were in Chinese, so I couldn’t follow them.

  “She says get some plain bread,” Ashley translated.

  “Tong schtuck,” I answered, shaking my head at Ashley.

  “Hank, I
can’t understand you.”

  I pointed to my tongue, which was stuck to the tub of ice cream.

  “Tong schtuck!” I said, even louder this time. In case you’re laughing right now, let me just ask you to try talking clearly when you have a tub of ice cream hanging off your tongue. It’s not easy.

  Frankie came over to the freezer and picked up the Häagen-Dazs container with my tongue attached. He took us both to the sink, Mr Häagen-Dazs and me. When we got there, he took a glass of water and poured it along the side of the container. I could feel my tongue peel off, little by little.

  “Breathe, Zip,” said Frankie. “Your tongue needs oxygen.”

  I took his advice and breathed deeply. Wow. Was my nose ever clear. It was so open that a 747 jet could have flown straight up into it and done back loops.

  “Hank, you’ve got to try to calm down.” Ashley gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder. “You’ve got yourself into a total twist.”

  “All I can think about is that parent-teacher meeting,” I said. “I keep seeing Ms Adolf sitting there telling my mum and dad that I have to repeat fourth grade.”

  Just the thought of that scene made me feel like reaching for another fried wonton.

  “Don’t go there, Zip,” Frankie said, putting his hand out to stop me. “Let’s be reasonable about this.”

  “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Ashley said. “Your parents sit down with Ms Adolf and hear a little bad news.”

  “Yeah, that,” I answered. “That’s the worst thing that could happen.”

  “You can’t stop it, Hank,” Ashley said with a deep sigh. “It’s a parent-teacher meeting. Everyone has one.”

  “I wish I could think of some way to stop them going to that meeting,” I said. “If my parents never meet Ms Adolf, they’ll never know there’s a problem. And then, before you know it, summer will be here, and then I’ll just slide into fifth grade with everyone else.”