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  Finally, I bit my lip really hard until it hurt, to make myself stop laughing.

  “You forgot all your stuff in Reading Gym,” Zoe said.

  “Oh,” was all I could think to say.

  “Mr. Rock was already gone, so I took it with me.”

  “Oh,” I said again. My mouth couldn’t seem to produce another sound.

  “My uncle’s picking me up from school tomorrow and taking me to his bowling alley,” she went on. “I hang out there sometimes when my mom’s at work.”

  “Oh.”

  That makes three oh’s in a row. Come on, Hankster. Three strikes and you’re out. You know that! Say something. Anything!

  “So maybe you could meet me there tomorrow and pick up your stuff,” Zoe said. “It’s called McKelty’s Roll ’N’ Bowl, and it’s just around the corner from your school.”

  I go to McKelty’s all the time with Papa Pete, who is a champion bowler and the leader of his league team, the Chopped Livers. The bowling alley is owned by Nick McKelty’s dad, who is actually a very nice man in spite of the fact that he is the father of the world’s biggest blowbag.

  “Hank?” she said. “Hello? Are you there?”

  Whoops, I had forgotten to answer. I was so busy thinking about the Chopped Livers and Nick McKelty’s dad and my three oh’s in a row that my brain had gone into orbit and left my mouth here on planet Earth with nothing to say.

  Yo, brain! Hank here. Over here on the bed. Yeah, that’s me, the doofus holding this phone. If it’s not too much trouble, can you come back to Earth sometime? Like NOW!!!!

  “Hank?” Zoe said.

  “Yeah, I’m here,” I answered when the old brainster finally kicked into gear. “And I’ll be there.”

  “Where?”

  “McKelty’s. Tomorrow. After school.”

  “Great. See you then. Bye, Hank.”

  The phone clicked. I just sat there on my bed, holding the phone and listening to the dial tone. What a great girl that Zoe was.

  Man, oh, man, she even had a great dial tone.

  CHAPTER 12

  I never think about what I’m going to wear to school. As long as I have something covering the bottom of me, something covering the top of me, and a couple of things covering my feet, I figure I’m good to go.

  But I have to confess, the next morning was different. After I got up and brushed my teeth and combed my hair (sort of), I actually stood in front of my closet and thought about what I was going to wear. I mean, I didn’t put on a collared shirt or those black slithery dress-up socks I have to wear to family dinners in restaurants or anything. But I did pick out a new Mets sweatshirt and two socks that actually matched. After all, I didn’t want Zoe to think I was so flaky that I couldn’t match my socks or remember to take my gummy worms. I mean, a little flaky is cute. A lot flaky is . . . well . . . just too flaky.

  “If it’s okay with you, I’m not going to be home today until four o’clock,” I told my mom at breakfast.

  “Do you have another activity at school, honey?” she asked, dishing me up a big helping of her scrambled tofu with a stringy green thing in it. She’s told me a million times what the stringy green thing is, but I keep forgetting the name. I only know two things about it. One, it’s some kind of green thing, and two, it tastes way too green. Did I mention it was green?

  Oh, come to think of it, that’s what it is. Dandelion greens.

  “I’m going to McKelty’s Roll ’N’ Bowl to meet a friend,” I said, trying to sound super-duper casual.

  I glanced over at Emily, who was sitting at the breakfast table with her pet iguana, Katherine, draped around her shoulder like a scaly green sweater.

  “I’ll bet he’s meeting a girl friend,” Emily said.

  “Well, I think it’s very lovely to have friends that are girls,” my mom said, cool mom that she is.

  Katherine’s tongue shot out and snatched up a chunk of tofu from my plate.

  “Your lizard’s hungry,” I said, trying to get Emily off the subject of my social life. “You should feed her more.”

  “Robert and I are baking Katherine some special iguana treats after school today,” Emily said. “Parsnip and squash squares.”

  “That sounds delicious and nutritious,” my mom said.

  “Don’t give Mom any ideas,” I whispered to Emily. “These dandelion greens are bad enough. And if you want my dessert tonight, lay off the girlfriend talk when Dad comes in.”

  “That will cost you a chocolate pudding and three oatmeal cookies,” Emily said.

  She drives a hard bargain, that Emily, but what choice did I have? My dad isn’t the kind of guy you want to talk to about a crush, unless it involves a seven-letter synonym for one. So if Zoe was going to be my secret, and that meant paying Emily in chocolate pudding and oatmeal cookies to keep her mouth shut, then I guess that was how it had to be.

  Frankie and Ashley and I always hang out together after school, so I needed to tell them that I was meeting Zoe at McKelty’s instead of hanging with them. I was planning to break the news to them on the walk to school, but Emily and Robert tagged along that morning, and I wasn’t in the mood to discuss it around them. The whole Zoe thing was way too much the topic of conversation for me.

  Anyway, I decided to wait until lunchtime, when Frankie and Ashley and I could sit down and talk without fourth-grade ears listening in.

  Frankie brought it up first.

  “Hey, Zip,” he said as we stood in the cafeteria lunch line. “Ashweena and I decided we should all meet in the clubhouse at three-thirty to practice some Tae Kwon Do moves. Get a jump on old Principal Love.”

  “I can’t today,” I said, grabbing the two-taco special from under the glass and putting the plate on my tray without looking up. Boy, girl stuff does weird things to your head. Suddenly, I was uncomfortable talking with Frankie about my arrangement with Zoe. Frankie, who’s been my best friend since we were born!

  “You have an orthodontist appointment?” Ashley asked.

  “Do you see any chocolate milk?” I answered.

  “Booster shot?” Frankie asked.

  “That’s okay. I’ll just get regular milk.”

  “Hank,” Ashley said, pushing her glasses up on her nose so she could get a good look at me. “I notice you’re not answering.”

  As we carried our trays to the table, she followed me, shooting out questions faster than I could answer them.

  “Are you going shoe shopping? Are your library books due? Wait, are you getting a haircut? Seeing an educational therapist? Taking a Ping-Pong lesson? What?”

  I sat down at the table and concentrated very hard on unfolding my napkin.

  “Zip,” Frankie said. “It’s no big deal. Just tell us what you’re doing after school.”

  “Okay,” I said, “but I don’t want to have a major discussion about it. I’m meeting Zoe McKelty at the bowling alley.”

  “Well, check you out,” Frankie said with a grin. “Hank Zipzer, ladies’ man.”

  “Frankie, that’s so immature,” Ashley said. “I bet I know why they’re meeting. Hank is going to tell Zoe that he’s not coming back to the Reading Gym because he’s taking Tae Kwon Do instead, and he doesn’t want her to feel bad that she’s stuck there doing boring stuff while we’re having fun. Isn’t that right, Hank?”

  Yikes. I realized that I had never even mentioned to Frankie and Ashley that I was thinking of dropping out of Tae Kwon Do and taking Reading Gym instead. And I had told Zoe that I was staying in Reading Gym for sure. The cloning thing wasn’t going to work out—which meant that unless I could come up with a new way to be in two places at once, I was in a pickle.

  What I needed to do was just talk to Frankie and Ashley about my decision.

  Okay, Hankster. Just say the words. Tell them that you can’t decide. That you may drop out of Tae Kwon Do. If you do, they’ll understand. They’re your friends.

  I opened my mouth to discuss the situation with them, but instead, h
ere’s what came out.

  “You’re right, Ash. That’s exactly what I’m going to tell Zoe. How’d you know that?”

  “I knew it,” said Ashley, “because you’re such a sensitive guy, Hank. And that’s just the kind of thing you’d do.”

  “Sensitive and starving,” I said.

  With that, I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. I figured that was one way to end the conversation.

  What was going on with me? Was I truly going to disappoint my friends and drop out of Tae Kwon Do, something I’d wanted to do since I was little? Of course I wasn’t. That would be crazy. Was I truly going to leave Reading Gym, after I’d told Zoe I was staying? Of course I wasn’t. That would be crazy.

  I picked up the second taco and shoved it into my mouth in one bite.

  “Wow, somebody’s hungry,” Ashley said.

  “Hey, us martial arts guys need nourishment,” Frankie said. “Isn’t that right, Zip?”

  I just nodded.

  Suddenly, a big beefy hand came swooping down onto my tray and grabbed the chocolate chip cookie I had picked for dessert.

  “Hey, that’s mine!” I said, turning around just in time to see Nick McKelty shove my cookie into his mouth.

  “Not anymore,” he answered, cookie crumbs spewing from his blubbery lips. At least, I think that’s what he said. It’s hard to understand a guy who’s grinding up a jumbo-sized cookie all in one bite.

  “You better get me another one, McKelty,” I said.

  “Hey, we can share now, Zipperhead. I mean, we’re almost like cousins.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m not related to you. No way.”

  “I hear you and my cousin Zoe are getting really . . . um . . . close.”

  “We’re friends, McKelty. Ever heard the word?”

  “Zoe said she thinks you’re nice. Obviously, the girl has no taste.”

  I considered taking McKelty on, but then I decided that the best thing was to ignore him. The less I talked to him about Zoe, the better. I didn’t want him telling her that I’m an idiot before she got a chance to know me. I mean, if she’s going to think I’m an idiot, at least I want to earn that on my own.

  McKelty had already lost interest in me, anyway. He had sniffed out a peanut butter cup sitting on Kim Paulson’s tray and was stomping over to snag it. The guy is a food-grinding machine.

  Strange as it seems, even that unpleasant encounter with McKelty couldn’t bring down my spirits. I was in a great mood the whole afternoon. I didn’t think about the Great Tae Kwon Do Versus the Reading Gym dilemma. I didn’t think about report cards that were coming out in two weeks. All I could think about was hanging out with Zoe after school. It was like the feeling you get when you know it’s going to rain on Saturday and your favorite cartoon marathon is on all day. You can’t wait because you know you’re going to be eating cheese and crackers in front of the TV all day and everything is going to be perfect.

  When the final bell rang, I grabbed my backpack, ran down the stairs, and raced out the front door of the school. I passed Principal Love, who was standing on the steps, wearing a snowman scarf that featured two baby snowmen with fuzzy earmuffs balancing on a seesaw.

  “Nice scarf, Principal Love,” I said, waving good-bye to him.

  And the funny thing was, I actually meant it. Those little baby snowmen were totally cute. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Hank Zipzer has totally lost it. That Zoe McKelty has taken over his brain and turned him into a snowman-scarf-loving ding-dong. And you know what? I might actually have to agree with you on that point.

  I was heading to McKelty’s Roll ’N’ Bowl, which is not even two blocks away from my school, when suddenly I got a brilliant idea. I turned around and took a detour over to Broadway. Three doors past Harvey’s is Babka’s, my favorite bakery in all of New York. I walked in and found Trudi, my favorite bakery salesperson in all of New York, standing behind the counter.

  “I know what you want,” Trudi said to me. “A black-and-white cookie, right?”

  Trudi knows that the black-and-white cookie is what I consider to be the Grand Poobah of all desserts.

  “Actually, Trudi, today I want two black-and-white cookies,” I said with a smile.

  “That’s a mysterious grin,” she said. “Something tells me the other cookie must be for someone very special. You got a girl, Hank?”

  Hey, was I wearing a sign on my back that said, “Please talk to me about very personal things?” I must have been, because everyone sure felt comfortable doing it.

  I took the little white paper bag with my two cookies and placed it carefully in the upper pouch of my backpack. A black-and-white is a delicate thing, and I didn’t want to give Zoe an all crumbled-up one. As I walked the two blocks over to McKelty’s, I visualized what was about to happen next. I’d give Zoe her cookie and we’d sit down in a booth. As we munched, we’d listen to the sound of the bowling balls rolling down the alleys and the clatter of the pins falling down. Hopefully, I’d be able to think of something more to say than “oh”—something that would make her laugh and flash those turquoise braces of hers.

  I was feeling totally great when I climbed up the stairs to McKelty’s Roll ’N’ Bowl and pushed open the heavy red leather door. My eyes scanned the room for Zoe. She wasn’t in the video game area. She wasn’t in the coffee shop. She wasn’t behind the desk, where her uncle Joe was handing out a pair of shoes to one of the customers.

  Wait, there she was. In one of the beat-up leather booths by the alleys, just like I imagined she’d be. Sitting there, smiling, wearing her funny little hat, waiting for me to arrive.

  Only one thing was different than I had imagined it to be.

  Sitting right next to her in the booth, chowing down a greasy cheeseburger and letting the ketchup squirt out of his big, sloppy mouth, was the blowbag himself, none other than Nick the Tick McKelty.

  Hey, who invited him?

  CHAPTER 13

  TEN THINGS I WAS CONSIDERING SAYING TO NICK MCKELTY TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT BOOTH

  1. Why don’t you make like a tree and leaf?

  2. What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?

  3. I’d like to invite you someplace special. It’s called outside.

  4. I hate to see you go, but I’d love to watch you leave.

  5. I thought they only allowed humans in here.

  6. Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

  7. Before I saw you I was hungry. Now I’m fed up.

  8. I’m very busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

  9. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

  10. King Kong’s calling you. He wants his face back.

  • Hank’s note: Feel free to vote and select what you would say to Nick if you were me. You can check your answer on the next page.

  CHAPTER 14

  “Hey, McKelty,” I said. “What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?”

  “Very funny, Zipperbutt,” he said. “So funny I’m not even cracking a smile.”

  “I’d like to help you out, Nick. Which way did you come in?”

  Zoe laughed. There they were, those turquoise braces.

  “What are you, some kind of comedian?” McKelty said, spraying a combo of ketchup and mustard and pickle juice from the space between his front teeth.

  “You know, before I saw you I was hungry,” I said. “Now I’m just fed up.”

  Zoe started to laugh really hard now, which made McKelty even more irritated.

  “Me and my cheeseburger are out of here,” he said. “I don’t need to hang around with a loser like you.”

  “Excellent idea, Nick. Why don’t you make like a tree and leaf?”

  The big lug scooped up his messy cheeseburger remains, slid out of the booth, and stomped off. As he left, I called after him, “Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?”

  (In case you were keeping track, I used
numbers two, nine, seven, one, and six from the list . . . in that order. Hey, there’s no rule that I can use only one, is there?)

  Zoe was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.

  “My cousin Nick can dish it out, but he sure can’t take it,” she said.

  “What’s it like being related to someone like that?” I asked her. “Does he ever get nice?”

  “I don’t know him all that well,” Zoe said. “We just moved back to New York from Seattle because my mom got a new job here. We left when I was a baby, so I’ve only known Nick for a month or so.”

  “I’ve known him my whole life,” I said.

  “So he told me.”

  “I bet he told you I was a jerk and a loser,” I said, sliding into the booth next to her.

  “And an idiot and a moron and a knucklehead,” she said.

  “Wow, he was really on a roll.”

  I didn’t know what to say then. I mean, how do you tell someone that you’re not a moron, especially when a lot of times you actually think you are a moron? I could tell her that I’ve always had trouble in school, and ever since Nick figured that out way back in kindergarten, he’s been calling me names. I could tell her that I think kids who call other kids names because they have trouble in school are nothing but bullies. I could tell her that . . .

  Earth to Hank. Get your brain back on track, buddy. Remember, you were having a conversation. It’s been a while since you’ve said anything.

  I looked over at Zoe, embarrassed that my thoughts had carried me off to Jupiter while she was still there on planet Earth. But she didn’t seem to notice that I had been missing in action. She was listening to the music playing over the speakers, and drumming out the beat on the table.

  “I want to be a drummer when I grow up,” she said.

  “You’re already a drummer,” I said. “You play the table better than anyone I know.”

  “You’re funny, Hank. It’s going to be so cool to be in Reading Gym together. We’ll have a great time, won’t we?”