The Curtain Went Up, My Pants Fell Down Read online

  Luke Whitman went next. He tried to kiss Mrs. Crock’s hand, too, but she wouldn’t let him. Everyone in the school knows that wherever Luke Whitman’s lips have been is someplace you don’t want to be. Too bad he wasn’t trying out for King of Cootyland, which he’d be a natural for.

  While Ryan Shimozato was auditioning, I tried to say the lines silently while he said them out loud. It was a lot to memorize, but that was my only hope.

  If you have to read, Hankster, you’re a dead duck. Not in front of everyone. Not as slowly as you do. Not out loud.

  Ryan Shimozato looked good as the king, but even I could tell he was no actor. He read the lines like he was reading his earth science textbook, which happens to be his best subject.

  “We have two actors left,” Devore said. “Mr. Nick McKelty and Mr. Hank Zipzer. Mr. Zipzer, are you ready to take the stage?”

  No, I’m not! I haven’t memorized all the lines yet!

  “Much as I’d like to go next, Simply Devore, and I do appreciate your calling on me, I think I’ll let McKelty go next,” I said. “I’m sure there’s so much I can learn from watching him audition.”

  Yeah, like the lines!

  “I like your attitude, Mr. Zipzer,” Devore said. “There is so much one actor can learn from another.”

  “There’s a lot you can learn from me,” McKelty said, wedging his thick body out of his seat. “Pay attention while I show you how this theater thing is done.”

  “Humility, Mr. McKelty,” Devore said.

  “I got that, too,” McKelty said, as if he even knew what the word meant. To be honest, I didn’t know what it meant, either, so I shouldn’t talk.

  I don’t know if McKelty was any good, but he was certainly loud. I’ll bet you could hear him all the way to Mr. Kim’s grocery store on the corner of 78th and Amsterdam. He paced around with his hands on his hips, yelling and blasting his iguana-cage breath right in poor Mrs. Crock’s face. At one point, a glob of McKelty spit left his mouth and landed squarely on the tip of Mrs. Crock’s nose. I think Mrs. Crock almost passed out, but she was a trooper and hung in there, smiling to the bitter end.

  When McKelty was finished with the scene, he applauded himself. Devore nodded his head and wrote a lot of comments on his yellow pad.

  “Thank you for your excellent effort,” he said.

  “See, I knew I’d get the part,” McKelty said as he took his seat back in the semicircle. “You’ll never top that, Zipzer.”

  I stood up and went to the platform. Mrs. Crock flashed me a reassuring smile as she handed me the script.

  “You’ll do fine, Hank,” she whispered. I think she was just glad to be out of the line of bad breath and spitfire. Then she read her first line, which I was supposed to answer.

  “Your highness,” she said. “I think it’s time you learned to dance. Have you ever danced before?”

  I looked down at the script for the answer, but the words started to blur right before my eyes. I had a choice. I could either panic, or do what I did.

  I put my hands on my hips, pulled myself up to my full height, which isn’t that high, but is the best I’ve got. I looked Mrs. Crock right in the eye and spoke.

  “Behold these feet,” I said. “They are kingly feet, and they know everything his highness needs to know.”

  That line was not in the script, but good old Mrs. Crock answered me, anyway.

  “But your highness does not know how to dance,” Mrs. Crock said.

  “Are you questioning me?” I shouted. “Do my ears hear a question?”

  Mrs. Crock didn’t answer. This line was nothing like the script, and obviously I had lost her completely. I had no choice but to take over.

  “I shall dance when the spirit moves me,” I said. “As a matter of fact, I feel the impulse speeding to my feet now. They are calling me to dance.”

  With that, I grabbed Mrs. Crock around her waist, took her hand in mine, and twirled her around in a circle. I happen to know quite a few fancy turns, because last year, when my mom decided to take ballroom dancing lessons with my dad, he refused to practice, so I became her partner when she went over the steps on the living room rug. And you’d never guess it, but old Mrs. Crock was pretty light on her feet herself. We twirled around until I got so dizzy I nearly passed out.

  I let Mrs. Crock go and raised my arms in a kingly way.

  “I believe that ends the discussion about dancing,” I proclaimed. “The king’s royal feet need to nap now.”

  I threw a kingly glance over at Devore and marched off the stage. Out of the corner of my eye, all I could see was that Devore’s mouth was hanging open so far, his jaw was nearly touching the ground.

  CHAPTER 12

  DEVORE HAD TOLD US not to expect to hear about the audition results until everyone had finished. He said we had to watch everyone’s audition out of respect for the performer.

  Katie Sperling was the first to audition for Anna. I was happy to watch her, out of respect for the performer, naturally. Also out of respect for the fact that she is one beautiful fifth-grader.

  Katie really did look the part of Anna. She had put on a sparkly blouse and a long sparkly skirt. When you looked at her, you believed that this was someone the King of Siam was going to fall madly in love with. But the problem with Katie came when she read her lines. After each line, she giggled. So it went like this:

  KING: You are to be the governess to my children?

  KATIE: Yes, your highness. Giggle, giggle, giggle.

  KING: And as part of your job, you are expecting to teach me to dance?

  KATIE: It would set an example…giggle, giggle, giggle…for the…giggle, giggle, giggle…children. Louder giggle, followed by collapsing on the stage in giggles.

  Devore stopped the scene after that line.

  “Tell me, young lady,” he said to Katie. “Do you think it is possible for you to say one line without finding it so amusing?”

  “Sure,” Katie said with a giggle. Then she looked over at her best friend, Kim Paulson. Kim started to laugh so hard she had to leave the room. With that, Katie lost it completely and burst out laughing, too, right in Devore’s face.

  “Is someone tickling your ear with a feather?” Devore asked her.

  “I’ll get serious now,” she said. “I promise.”

  With that, she exploded in such a giggle fit that she got tears in her eyes and ran off the stage, following Kim out of the door.

  I guess Heather had finally decided to sign up, because Devore called her name next. She couldn’t have been more opposite than Katie Sperling. There was no giggling, which as you know by now, there usually isn’t when Heather Payne is involved. Unlike me, she had memorized every word on the page, so when she got up to read her part, it was like she was reciting a poem at a graduation ceremony. She said each word, one-at-a-time. She was stiff as a wooden puppet.

  Devore was playing the king, and I’m sure that was plenty scary. He had one of those Darth Vader voices that fills your ears with nothing but its sound.

  “Miss Anna,” he bellowed. “I will not dance. I am the King of Siam. I do not dance with lowly teachers.”

  “Are you afraid? Perhaps you might enjoy it, sire,” Heather said in a robotlike voice.

  She sounded like enjoying anything was the furthest thing from her mind. In fact, she was giving a good impression of someone on the verge of throwing up. She needed to relax. This was going nowhere.

  Oddly enough, I felt sorry for Heather. I wanted to help her.

  Silently, I stood up from the semicircle of chairs and tiptoed over to the platform until I was directly behind Devore. He was such a large man, it was easy for someone my size to hide behind him. I peeked out from behind his cape and tried to get Heather’s attention.

  Heather’s eyes darted from Devore to me.

  “I am relaxed,” I mouthed to her, and then went on to demonstrate my best yoga deep-breathing technique. Devore whipped around and saw me.

  “What exactly a
re you doing, Mr. Zipzer?” he asked.

  I looked past Devore, locking straight into Heather’s eyes.

  “I am relaxing!” I said right to her. “If you know what I mean.” Then I let out a big old yoga breath.

  “Perhaps you could relax in the hall, Mr. Zipzer,” he said. “Not in the middle of this young lady’s audition.”

  “You’re absolutely right, Devore,” I said. “I’ll wait to relax until Heather has finished her audition in a relaxing kind of way. Because we all enjoy breathing in and out in situations that are too tense to be relaxed in.”

  Devore’s attention was on me, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Heather had gotten my point. She was yoga-breathing her brains out, mouthing the words “I am relaxed” just like I had shown her. Her cheeks had turned pink, and I swear, her braids seemed to be loosening up around her face. She didn’t look like a person on the verge of throwing up any longer.

  “And now if you will leave the stage,” Devore said, gesturing me off with his big black cape. He turned to Heather and said, “I hope this hasn’t broken your concentration.”

  “Oh, no,” she said, breathing in and out deeply. “I am relaxed!”

  Way to go, Heather Payne.

  “Where were we?” Devore said. “Ah, yes, I was telling you that the king does not dance with lowly teachers.”

  “Well, if you’re truly not afraid, then you will dance with me,” Heather said, talking in a natural rhythm, with even a little smile in her voice. “May I have this dance, your highness?”

  Then she extended her hand to Devore. Wow. That was brave. And it was good. I mean, she looked shy, but comfortable, in a teacher kind of way. I found myself thinking that if I were the king, I would dance with her.

  Wait a minute, Hank. Are you actually saying you would really rather dance with Heather Payne than Katie Sperling?

  I couldn’t believe what was going on inside my brain. I mean, that morning I had been one kind of person, the kind of person who would have given up my weekend TV privileges to dance with Katie Sperling. And by afternoon, I was a completely other person, the kind of person who actually would have liked to dance with Heather Payne. The girl whose braids were pulled too tight. The girl with math on the mind.

  Boy, life is strange.

  CHAPTER 13

  AFTER EVERYONE HAD AUDITIONED, Devore huddled with Mrs. Crock, going over lots of notes he had made on the yellow pad on his clipboard. While we were waiting, McKelty looked over at me and whispered, “I got it.”

  I just stared at him. Could he be right? I mean, how could Godzilla play the king? Well, maybe he could. After all, McKelty is tall. And maybe kings are supposed to be tall. What if there’s a height requirement for the king? I never thought of that.

  “I am so much better at this than you are,” McKelty continued, moving over to the empty chair next to me.

  “Let’s just wait and see if Devore agrees with you,” I said halfheartedly.

  “I’ve been thinking about it, Zipperbutt,” McKelty said. “And I have the perfect role for you. You can sweep the stage. I don’t want my bare feet to get dirty.”

  “Why not? Then they’d match your face. Looks like you never wash that.”

  Devore stood up and came to the front of the platform. We all got really quiet. This was it. I closed my eyes. I clenched my fists. I could feel every muscle tighten up. The only thing loose on my body was my ear drum, so I could hear what he was going to say.

  “Let me begin by congratulating all of you,” Devore said. “Each and every one of you brought a delightful quality to your readings. And therefore, there will be a part for each of you in the play.”

  “Yeah, Hankerchief here volunteered to sweep the floors,” McKelty shouted out, poking me in the ribs.

  “Unfortunately, he won’t have the time to do that,” Devore said. “Because after much deliberation, I have chosen Hank Zipzer to play the role of the King of Siam.”

  He said my name! There it was floating out in the air for everyone to hear. Hank Zipzer will play the role of the King of Siam!

  Ashley and Frankie jumped up to high-five me, but I couldn’t move a muscle. I was frozen in my seat. The news stunned me. The only thing that moved was my lips, and they were smiling.

  I hadn’t said one line the way it was written.

  I hadn’t memorized one word.

  And yes, I am short.

  And yet, he called my name.

  Like Papa Pete always says, if you have the will, there is a way. And man oh man, did I have the will! And did I ever find the way!

  Suddenly, I noticed Nick McKelty staring at me, with all three of his eyes.

  “Now I know for sure,” McKelty said. “Devore must be blind and deaf.”

  “It’s okay, Nick,” I said. “You’ll have a part. And I promise, I’ll help you find that broom.”

  The room was still buzzing, but Devore quieted everyone down.

  “Settle, people,” he said. “I have another announcement to make. Let me introduce you to your new Anna.”

  We all got instantly quiet, except for Katie Sperling, who giggled. I looked over at Heather. She looked like she was going to hurl her peanut butter and jelly. I knew the feeling. I had just been there one minute before.

  “Miss Heather Payne will play Anna,” Devore said. “And I’m sure, brilliantly. Congratulations, young lady.”

  The room went totally quiet. And then, the weirdest thing happened. Heather Payne stood up, pumped her fist about twenty times, and then yelped like a rhino celebrating her first birthday. Actually, I don’t know if rhinos yelp or even make any sound at all. But if they did, I’m sure it would be as loud and as wild as that sound that Heather Payne made.

  This was an amazing sight. No one had ever seen Heather Payne lose control before. Well, maybe that time in first grade when she discovered that the square root of nine was three. She got really excited and twirled around so fast her braids looked like a pinwheel at the county fair. But this whooping thing had us all really surprised.

  After the yelping ended, Heather looked pretty shocked herself.

  “Oh…I’m sorry,” she said, and immediately sat down.

  “No need to apologize, young lady,” Devore said. “The creative spirit set free is a pleasure to behold.”

  Nick McKelty stood up and started to leave.

  “Where are you going, young man?” Devore asked. “I haven’t finished the announcements or dismissed the class.”

  “I’m out of here,” McKelty said. “This whole play thing sucks.”

  “Before you leave, consider this,” Devore said. “I have chosen you to be the understudy.”

  The understudy? I had never heard that word before, but it described me better than it did Nick. I mean, I under-study for everything. Like math, spelling, science. In fact, I took a science test on the evaporation cycle without even reading the chapter. That’s what I call under-studying.

  “What’s an understudy?” Ashley asked. Ashley is one of those smart kids who isn’t afraid to ask a question. Me, I’m always afraid to show what I don’t know, because I assume everyone else knows more than I do.

  “An understudy is the person who gets to play the part should the lead actor not be able to,” Devore explained.

  “So, like, if Zipperbutt here gets a stomachache and can’t go on, then I’ll get to be the king,” McKelty said. Boy, he was quick to catch on, that guy.

  “Precisely, Nick,” Devore said. “Being an understudy is a very important job.”

  “Then I’ll take it,” McKelty said. “I was made for important jobs.”

  “Excellent,” Devore said. “I will post all the crew positions tomorrow. Check the board, people, and report for rehearsals after school.”

  As we started out, everyone was congratulating me and wishing me luck.

  “And one more thing,” Devore called after us. “In the theater, it is bad luck to wish someone good luck. We simply say, break a leg. So break
a leg, everyone.”

  McKelty looked over at me.

  “Especially you, Zipperbutt. Break a leg. While you’re at it, break two.”

  CHAPTER 14

  “I GOT IT!” I screamed, bursting into our apartment after school.

  My dad was sitting at the dining room table as usual, staring at his computer screen, which was filled with so many numbers and charts that it looked like a page in a math book. He pushed his glasses up on top of his head and stared at me.

  “What did you get, Hank? I’m hoping it’s a good grade.”

  “Better than that!” I smiled at him, barely able to hold the secret. “Mom! I have some great news!”

  I wanted to tell them both at once. I knew my mom was home and in the kitchen, because I could smell dinner cooking. I couldn’t identify it, but I could smell it. It smelled…well…not good, but interesting.

  My mom came through the swinging door from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. Her blond hair had chunks of food hanging off it, which happens when she’s really absorbed in her cooking. I hoped that it might be chunks of something delicious like pot roast or potato salad, like she makes for our family deli, the Crunchy Pickle. But the things hanging off her hair looked like little white worms. They were pale and squiggly, two things that you definitely don’t want your dinner to be.

  “Get your ears ready to hear something really cool, you guys,” I said.

  “My ears can hardly wait.” My mom laughed.

  But my dad just said, “Enough with the drama, Hank. Say what you have to say.”

  “Well,” I said, taking a deep bow. “You are now looking at the new King of Siam. I grant you the right to ask me any question you’d like.”

  “Do I get to make the costume?” my mom asked, clapping her hands with excitement. “I can see you now in flowing gold pantaloons and a sequined vest.”