The World's Greatest Underachiever and the Soggy School Trip Read online

  “Hey, Hector, remember the time…”

  My brain froze. What time? Think, Hank!

  “What are you talking about?” he asked. “What time?”

  “You know, the time,” I said, stalling a minute for my brain to catch up with me. “The time I passed that note to Tiffany Marshall for you so you wouldn’t get caught throwing it to her.”

  “So?” Hector said.

  “So? Are you kidding? Ms Adolf looked up just as I handed Tiffany the note. And I took the heat.”

  “Oh yeah,” he said, smiling. “You went to Mr Love’s office for the fifty-third time that week. Hey, did I ever thank you for that?”

  “No, but you can now. Just go and talk to that sailor, and keep him busy until you see me back on deck.”

  Hector nodded and called the sailor over to him. The guy turned his back to me and started walking towards Hector’s platform. Once I saw them talking, I was off that ship, down the gangplank and on the dock in no time. I scurried right up to the metal cleat with the huge rope fastened to it. I got down on my knees and inspected the knot closely. I looked at it from the top and from the side and from underneath. I could see every loop of it. This was much better than any old diagram. This was studying the real thing, up close and personal.

  Frankie and I have put together enough toys for me to know that I learn how to do it best when I actually do it myself. He shows me once, then I do it myself.

  I knew that if I could just take that knot apart once, to see how the rope slipped through the loops, I could do it again. It would just take a minute. The boat wasn’t going to go anywhere in just a minute.

  It was a four-step plan.

  1. Take the knot apart very slowly.

  2. Remember every step.

  3. Put the knot back together just the way it was.

  4. Go back and impress Collin with how clever I am.

  The rope was wet and slimy when I touched it. It practically took my whole hand just to hold it. This wasn’t any little rope. It was as thick around as one of the salamis that hang over the counter in our deli.

  I took a deep breath.

  Ready, begin. Concentrate, Hank.

  I slipped the end of the rope off the cleat and unwound it carefully and slowly. I could see why they call it a figure of eight. The rope was wrapped around the cleat so that it looked like the number 8. I kept unwinding it until I could see the bottom of the cleat. There was one funny loop down there. It had a kind of hook in it. I pulled hard on the rope and the hook came undone. It slid off the cleat straight into my hand.

  Excellent job, Hank. You were really concentrating. Now just put it back on.

  “Hank, where are you, bud?” It was Collin, coming back from below deck.

  Hurry, Hank. You don’t want him to see you here. Retie the knot. Just like it was.

  I threw the heavy rope round the cleat so that it would catch.

  Ooops. It’s not staying. Why is it sliding off?

  “Hank! Get your butt over here,” Collin called again. “This isn’t hide-and-seek.”

  I had to move on to the figure eight part of the knot. I wrapped the rope round the cleat in the shape of the number 8.

  Wait a minute. That doesn’t look like an eight. It looks more like a three. Maybe even a three-and-a-half.

  “Hank, the captain’s coming up from downstairs for inspection,” Collin called.

  I had to hurry. I figured that my figure of eight was close enough. Now all I had to do was fasten the rope down with a little loop.

  Uh-oh. That’s a big loop. A really big loop.

  I stood back and looked at the knot I had tied. It didn’t look exactly like the one that had been there before. I admit it wasn’t perfect. But it was good enough. I was sure of that.

  At least, I was pretty sure.

  CHAPTER

  20

  I crept up the gangplank so quietly that Collin couldn’t hear me. Keeping low to the ground, I sneaked across the deck until I was behind him and then popped out from round a sail.

  “Boo!” I said.

  “Where have you been?” he asked.

  “I have my places,” I said. “An experienced sailor like me knows his way around a ship.”

  “I brought you this,” he said, tossing me my coat. “In case you’re interested, your pocket’s glowing.”

  “It must be my tiny alien brother,” I said.

  Collin cracked up.

  “He begged to come along,” I continued. “You know what pests alien brothers can be.”

  Then I looked at my pocket. There actually was a blue light coming from it. Papa Pete’s mobile phone! I had forgotten to give it back to him. Typical Hank.

  Suddenly, we heard footsteps coming towards us.

  “Hide your phone! Quick!” Collin said. “The captain’s coming.”

  I turned off the phone and stuffed it in my pocket just as the captain appeared.

  “You two scallywags tying up the ship for the night?” he said.

  “Aye, Captain, but we’re having a little trouble with our cleat hitch,” Collin said. “Do you think you could help us, sir?”

  A funny look crossed his face. It was the same look I get when Ms Adolf asks me to locate Nebraska on the map and I have no idea where it is.

  “You’re asking me to help?” he roared.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Not on your life, matey!” he shouted. “I’m captain of this ship, not a deckhand.”

  “If you could just—” Collin began, but the captain stomped off really fast. Obviously, he didn’t want to be talking to us about tying knots.

  We did the best we could with the two mooring lines. Collin read me the instructions, and I tried to remember how to wrap the rope round the cleat. When I had finished, the knots looked a little better than the big one I had tied.

  “That’s good enough,” Collin said, looking over my two messy knots. At least he didn’t think I was a total moron. “The big line is secure, anyway. It’s not like the boat is going anywhere.”

  I gulped hard. Boy, did I hope he was right.

  After that, we had a lot of fun. All the kids got to gather below deck and listen as Mr Gladson told us an exciting story about a ship that crashed during a storm at Cape Horn. Then it was time to get into our bunks. Ashley went off with all the girls. Frankie chose the bunk next to Ryan Shimozato and furthest away from me.

  Collin and I took the bunks closest to the door, because we had to wake up in two hours to keep watch. Our shift was from two in the morning until four. A couple of guys from PS 9 said they had dibs on the bunk next to Collin.

  “Back off, guys,” he said. “This one’s saved for Hank.” I felt pretty special.

  As we were settling down into our bunks, Nick McKelty walked past.

  “You’re a turkey,” he said, giving me a poke in the ribs.

  “You got what you deserved, McKelty,” I answered. “Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”

  “The captain’s a turkey too,” he said. “I’m going to tell my dad. He’ll get that guy fired.”

  “Your dad can’t do that,” Collin said.

  “Sure he can,” McKelty said. “He’s best friends with the mayor of New York.”

  “Yeah, and my name’s Bernice,” I said.

  Collin laughed really hard.

  That was Frankie’s line. When he says it, it always makes me laugh too.

  I looked over at Frankie. He was hanging out with Ryan Shimozato and a bunch of the guys in our class. They were all watching him make a nickel disappear. Frankie was always a lot of fun.

  I felt myself wishing that I was over there with him.

  CHAPTER

  21

  Someone was shaking my shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had no idea where I was or who was waking me up in the middle of the night.

  “Stand up, matey,” said a voice. “It’s time for your watch.”

  I rubbed my eyes and looked around. It was pitch-black in th
e bunk room, except for the candle that Mr Gladson held next to his face.

  “Up on deck with you,” he said. “I’ll stay below with the others. Hurry, now. Keep a lookout for pirates and looters.”

  I woke Collin. We put on our coats and dragged ourselves out of our bunks and up the stairs. And when I say dragged, I’m not exaggerating. I was so tired, I felt like I was walking through mud.

  We pushed open the hatch and went out on deck. It was cold out there. A pretty strong wind had blown up during the night. The boat was swaying a lot. The sails were flapping in the wind. Funny, they hadn’t done that before.

  Collin flopped himself down on a bench next to the poop deck. He looked like he was asleep sitting up. I hauled my dead legs over to the railing to have a look around. You never know when you’re going to meet a pirate in New York City. You can’t be too careful.

  I looked out towards the dock. The dock wasn’t there.

  I ran to the other side of the boat and looked down. The dock wasn’t there either.

  Oh no! Where were those docks? They were there when we went to sleep.

  We were surrounded on all sides by water. The lights from the pier were far away. The Brooklyn Bridge wasn’t right next to us, like it had been. It was off in the distance.

  I looked down into the deep black water. I couldn’t see much, but I could see the rope dragging along behind us. No knot, no cleat, no land. We had drifted out to sea!

  “Collin!” I yelled. “Wake up!”

  “What is it, Hank?” he said with a yawn. “Pirates?”

  He looked out at the water with a little grin. He rubbed his eyes and looked out at the water again. The grin disappeared from his face.

  “Where’s the land?” he asked.

  “Way back there,” I answered.

  “Hank,” he said, his voice sounding a little panicky. “We need to do something fast.”

  I did the only thing I could think to do.

  “HELP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “SOMEBODY HELP!!!”

  CHAPTER

  22

  I must have really shrieked my lungs out, because everyone came running up on deck in a flash.

  “What is it, Henry?” Ms Adolf said. She was wrapped in a blanket and still had the pink pom-pom hat on her head.

  All I could do was point into the darkness around us. It took a minute for everyone to realize what had happened. Then Heather Payne screamed.

  “We’re out at sea!” she cried. “I feel seasick.”

  She ran to the railing and barfed up her gruel.

  Not only were we out in the middle of the harbour, we were picking up speed as well. The wind was blowing hard, filling the sails with cold air. We were cutting through the water at a pretty good pace. And let me just say this: the direction we were heading was definitely not into shore.

  “Nobody panic!” yelled Ms Adolf in a panicky voice.

  “How could this have happened?” shouted Mr Lingg. You could hardly hear him over the flapping of the sails. I’m not sure why he looked at me, but he did.

  “Maybe the knot came loose,” I said. “I hear that can happen.”

  I felt terrible. I knew what had happened. I had untied that big old cleat hitch and then put it together backwards or upside down or maybe even sideways. Whatever I had done, the knot wasn’t a knot any more. I was responsible for this mess.

  Ms Adolf and Mr Lingg made us all put on life jackets. “Somebody get the captain,” Ms Adolf said suddenly.

  At last, a good idea. We’d just tell the captain to turn the ship around.

  Frankie ran down the stairs. Collin went with him. A minute later, they came back without the captain.

  “Where is he?” Ms Adolf demanded.

  “He says he’s not coming out,” said Frankie.

  “He’s down there with the first mate,” added Collin. “He says they’re both seasick.”

  “This is ridiculous,” said Ms Adolf. “I’m going to get him.”

  “I’ll come and help,” said Ashley. Ms Adolf didn’t object. Mr Lingg was staying up top to watch over us kids. Ms Adolf probably felt like she could use a good head down there. And I don’t mean of the bathroom type, either.

  We were clipping along, heading way out past the Statue of Liberty now. I looked at Lady Liberty’s face in the distance, and I swear she was looking right into my eyes. And instead of saying, “Everybody welcome to America,” she seemed to be saying, “You did it, Hank Zipzer. You screwed up again.”

  Ms Adolf hurried back up the stairs, practically dragging the captain behind her. She had him by the arm. Ashley had Mr Gladson. Both men were green in the face.

  “Captain,” said Mr Lingg. “Take us back to shore immediately.”

  “I can’t,” said the captain. He sounded really different. His big shouting voice was gone, and when he did talk, he sounded like he was from Texas.

  “And why exactly can’t you take us back?” asked Ms Adolf.

  “I’m not a real ship’s captain,” he answered. “I’m an actor!”

  “An actor?” Ms Adolf said. “What kind of actor?”

  “I do musical comedy on Broadway,” he said. “I tap dance a little too.”

  Ms Adolf turned to the first mate.

  “And what about you, Mr Gladson? I suppose you’re one of those silly actor people too?”

  “I do ads,” he said. “Actors do these roles on the ship between gigs. It’s steady work.”

  “I thought I knew his face,” Collin whispered to me. “He’s that guy on the ad for Smoothy peanut butter.”

  “Mr Peanut-a-licious,” I said. “Wow. He’s not very good at that, either.”

  Ms Adolf’s face had turned as pink as her pom-poms. I think she was mad and scared and confused all at the same time.

  “Excuse me, ma’am,” the captain said to her. “I’m going to be sick.”

  He bolted for the railing.

  “You mean to tell me here we are at sea with no help?” Ms Adolf said to Mr Peanut-a-licious. Her teeth were clenched really tight. “What are we to do?”

  It was freezing out there. I stuck my hands in my pockets to try to warm them up. And there it was. Papa Pete’s mobile phone.

  “Ms Adolf,” I said. “I have an idea.”

  “Be quiet, Henry. This is no time for one of your half-baked schemes.”

  “But, Ms Adolf—”

  “Did you hear me, Henry?” She pointed to the poop deck. “If you can’t keep still, go and stand over there and let the grown-ups handle this.”

  I did go over to the poop deck. But I didn’t keep still. I took the mobile phone out of my pocket and dialled Papa Pete’s number. I figured that since he had been in the navy, he would know how to help us.

  My hands were shaking so badly from the cold that I dialled the wrong number by mistake.

  “We are not able to connect your call as dialled,” said a computer voice.

  Before I knew it, someone was taking the phone out of my hands. It was Frankie.

  “Let me dial that for you, Zip.”

  I gave him Papa Pete’s number. He dialled the number and handed the phone to me. It rang and rang. My hand was still shaking.

  “Breathe,” said Frankie. “Oxygen is power.”

  I took a deep breath, and by the time I had finished exhaling, Papa Pete had picked up.

  “Hello,” he said with a yawn.

  “Papa Pete, it’s me. We’re in trouble.”

  “Hankie, where are you?” I could hear he was waking up very quickly.

  “On the Pilgrim Spirit. It got loose from the dock.”

  “You’re adrift?”

  Adrift! I remembered that word from our nautical vocabulary. It meant you’d been cut loose from your moorings and were sailing out of control.

  “Yes, Papa Pete. We’re very adrift. Make that extremely adrift.”

  “I’m calling the Coast Guard right now,” said Papa Pete. “Where are you?”

  “We’re just
passing the Statue of Liberty. But we’re heading out really fast.”

  “Are the sails up?” Papa Pete asked.

  “Yes. Halfway.”

  “Hankie, listen to me. I’ll call for help. But you have to get the sails down now. If you keep your sails down, you’ll stay put until the Coast Guard comes.”

  “I don’t know how to take them down, Papa Pete. And neither does the captain. But he can tap dance.”

  “The sails are held up by ropes. Do you see which ones they are?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Untie the knots and let the rope out. The sails will come down. You can do it, Hankie. Ask the other kids to help.”

  Papa Pete hung up.

  He had a point. I couldn’t tie a knot. I had proved that. But I was a whizz at untying a knot. I had proved that too.

  I turned to Frankie and Collin.

  “Come with me,” I said. “We have a job to do.”

  CHAPTER

  23

  We sent Ashley to tell Ms Adolf that I had used the mobile phone to call my grandfather and the Coast Guard was on the way. I knew Ms Adolf wouldn’t listen to me, but she’d listen to Ashley. And was I right. When she heard the news, Ms Adolf didn’t even say anything about how mobile phones weren’t allowed. She hugged Ashley so hard, she knocked her glasses off. Watching Ms Adolf, I could tell she was really worried about us. In a weird way, that made me feel good.

  Collin took me over to his teacher, Mr Lingg. Frankie came too.

  “This is Hank Zipzer,” Collin said. “He’s the one whose grandfather has called the Coast Guard.”

  Mr Lingg reached out and shook my hand.

  “Good thinking, Hank,” he said.

  “My grandfather said we have to take the sails down, so we can stay put or at least slow down until the Coast Guard arrives,” I told him.

  “That sounds like a logical thing to do,” said Mr Lingg. “I wish I knew how to lower the sails.”

  “If everyone helps me, I think I can do it,” I said.

  “Take over, Hank,” Mr Lingg said. “You’re the captain.”

  “Can I be your first mate?” Collin asked.