The World's Greatest Underachiever and the Soggy School Trip Read online

  “Only if he’s one too,” I said, putting my hand on Frankie’s shoulder.

  Collin put up his hand for a high five. “Two first mates are better than one,” he said. Frankie looked at Collin’s hand a minute. Then he slapped him five.

  “Everyone gather round,” Mr Lingg shouted. “The Coast Guard is on the way. In the meantime, we have to lower our sails. Hank is in charge and will give you instructions.”

  I climbed the steps up to the poop deck. Frankie stood on one side of me, and Collin on the other. We looked like those guys in a movie I saw once called The Three Musketeers. Except we were wearing tennis shoes and baseball caps, and those dudes were wearing boots, swords, big hats with feathers and tights. But you get the idea.

  “We’ll split into two teams,” I said. I had to shout really loudly to be heard over the wind and the sails. “One team will take the starboard side.”

  I started to point, but realized I didn’t know which side was which. There it was again, that stupid right/left thing. I wonder if any sea captains in the old days had learning difficulties?

  Thank goodness Frankie saw that I was confused. He stepped in front of me and pointed to the right side of the ship. Starboard, right. Port, left. Remember that, brain.

  “The other team will take the port side.”

  Frankie pointed to the left side.

  “Your job is to untie all the ropes that are holding the sails up,” I said. “This won’t be easy, because as you can see, there are hundreds of ropes all over this ship. And the sails are heavy. Three kids to a rope. It doesn’t matter which school you go to. Just team up.”

  “When the sails come down, you’ll have to tie them up so they don’t flap around in the wind,” Collin added.

  That was a nice touch. I never would have thought of that. Frankie gave him a high five.

  “Hey, a few of you get your torches,” Frankie added. “We’ll need light out here.”

  “Now, everybody move quickly,” I said. The wind was still strong and we were way out in the middle of the harbour. “And, hey, if you see a spare coat, bring it topside. It’s cold.”

  “Why should we listen to you?” Nick McKelty called out. “You’re a turkey.”

  “You’re the one who’s a turkey,” Ashley shouted back at him.

  “Yeah, be quiet, turkey!” her friend Chelsea said.

  Chelsea started to gobble. Then Ashley joined in. And, pretty soon, every kid on the whole ship was looking at Nick McKelty and gobbling. Everyone except Heather Payne, that is. She was too busy barfing.

  Collin and Frankie and I ran around the deck, making sure all the ropes got untied. I did a whole bunch of them myself, because, remember, I’m really good at that.

  As I looked around the deck, it seemed as if the kids – both schools – were standing around sort of frozen, not knowing what to do. Kim Paulson was closest to me and had somehow ended up on Luke Whitman’s rope gang. There was a smile on Luke’s face that looked like his lips were glued to his ears.

  As I ran past them, Kim grabbed my coat from behind and started yelling, but there was no way I could understand what she was trying to say.

  “Try to relax, Kim,” I said in my best calm voice. And, believe me, it was not easy to be calm at that moment. “We’re going to be fine if we just lower the sails.”

  “Eeuuw, eeuuw, eeuuuw,” she sputtered, and then she started stomping her feet. It looked like her toes were on fire.

  “What is it, Kim?”

  “The ropes! Eeuuw, eeuuw, eeuuw. Hank, I can’t!” she yelled with her eyes tightly shut.

  Luke was still grinning.

  Ooohhh. Now I got it. Of course. Kim was pulling Luke Whitman’s rope, the one he had hidden his bogeys on. Disgusting. Double disgusting.

  I took off my scarf and gave it to Kim so she could wrap it round her hands.

  “When you hear me count to three, untie the rope and lower the sail,” I said. “Can you do that?”

  Kim nodded, and I ran on.

  “Good job, Ryan,” I yelled as I passed him and his posse, Justin and Ricky. They had found the rope that was holding the main sail at half-mast. “Wait for me to count to three and then we’ll lower all the sails together!”

  I didn’t wait for them to answer. We were moving pretty fast down the East River. I couldn’t show it, but I was getting nervous.

  “Hey, guys, that rope is not going to help us. It’s the wrong one. Grab the one next to it.”

  I ran further along the deck.

  “Hey, you in the blue-and-yellow parka,” I called. “I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

  “Charlie,” he answered back.

  “Charlie. Can you help Hector here find the right rope to lower the front sail?”

  “Aye, aye, Captain,” he answered while saluting me. Wow, that felt great.

  “Thanks,” I shouted over my shoulder, heading towards Heather, who was still bent over the railing feeding the fish.

  “Are you all right, Heather?” I asked.

  She couldn’t speak and looked really, really green. So she nodded and went back to barfing.

  “Just hold on,” I said. “Help is on the way.”

  I got back to the poop deck and started shouting.

  “OK, let’s get ready!” I shouted. But there was so much noise from everyone talking at once and the wind snapping the sails back and forth that I wasn’t sure anyone could hear me. Frankie and Collin were on the poop deck with me and they started getting everyone’s attention. They cupped their hands round their mouths and took turns shouting, “Hey!” First Frankie, then Collin, then Frankie, then Collin. Finally, the two classes quietened down enough for me to yell.

  “OK, everyone. Untie your ropes!”

  All the kids shot into action at once, and removed each rope from its cleat. Some of the kids weren’t strong enough. The wind in the sails was pulling the ropes in the opposite direction and it yanked the kids holding them forward across the deck.

  “On three!” I yelled. “All together! Are you ready?”

  “You bet! Let it rip! Let’s go!” came the answers from all over the deck.

  “One! Two! Three!” I shouted louder than I had ever yelled before.

  When the first sail came down, we all cheered. One by one, the big sails were lowered. As each one came down, the Pilgrim Spirit moved slower and slower through the water.

  Suddenly, I saw a light in the distance.

  “Ahoy there,” came a voice from a loudspeaker. “This is the Coast Guard cutter Orca. Are you in distress?”

  I don’t always learn very well from books, but if you tell me something, I’ll remember it for ever. What I remembered at that moment was the signal for distress that the Coast Guard officer had shown us before we boarded the boat. He said one way to signal distress is to wave your arms up and down over your head.

  I ran to the stern of the boat and faced the Coast Guard cutter. I stood right in front of their searchlight beam and waved my arms up and down over my head so hard, I almost took off. Collin and Frankie and Ms Adolf joined me too. We must have looked like we were doing the wave at a Mets game. But it worked, because the next thing we heard from the Coast Guard ship was this, “We are sending an inflatable boat out to you. We are coming aboard. Stay calm.”

  With that, Ms Adolf grabbed the sides of her pink pom-pom hat and pulled it down over her face. Between you and me, I don’t think she wanted us to see her cry, even if it was a cry of happiness.

  They sent a skipper to board our ship and steer us into port. He turned us round so we were handing in the right direction. Boy, were we ever glad to see him. You should have seen his face when he saw the pretend Captain Josiah Barker hanging over the ship railing, his face as green as the lettuce in Mrs Crock’s teeth.

  “When he has finished answering your questions,” Ms Adolf said to the skipper, “ask him to dance. Apparently, he’s quite good at tap.”

  The Coast Guard cutter Orca pushed us from behin
d and we floated into the South Street Seaport harbour. We went very slowly. When we reached the dock, it was already morning. A crowd of people was standing on the pier and waving to us. It was our parents.

  Even from that distance, I could make out one big guy standing in the middle of the crowd. He was wearing a red tracksuit and looked like a giant strawberry.

  Papa Pete didn’t look like a hero, but I knew that he was.

  CHAPTER

  24

  The good news was that we landed safely. Everyone was totally OK. Oh, as usual, I almost forgot. There was one crisis. Ms Adolf lost her pink pom-pom hat in the water. There’s probably some sharp-toothed eel at the bottom of New York Harbor whose fish friends are all laughing at him because he’s wearing that dorky hat.

  The bad news was that as we were getting off the boat, Captain Adam McPherson, the commanding officer of the Coast Guard cutter Orca, said he wanted to see Collin and me in the harbour master’s office.

  Right away.

  CHAPTER

  25

  “You boys care to tell me what happened?”

  Collin and I were sitting in the harbour master’s office facing Captain Adam McPherson, commanding officer of the Coast Guard cutter Orca. He didn’t yell or anything like the ship’s fake captain had. He was quiet and calm, but when he looked at you with his dark eyes, you could tell he meant business.

  “Why are you asking us?” I asked.

  “Because I’m told you were the sailors on watch when you went adrift,” he said. “The Coast Guard needs to know the facts. All the facts.”

  I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life. Well, maybe the time when Mr Gristediano’s apartment got totally trashed because I brought Cheerio in and let go of his lead. Mr Gristediano lost thousands and thousands of dollars worth of expensive stuff, and it was all my fault. I screwed up big time that day. Just like I knew I had screwed up big time last night.

  My leg was bouncing up and down like it had a jet engine in it. I wanted to bite my nails, but I had already bitten them all off in the waiting room. Collin didn’t seem nervous. That’s because he hadn’t done anything wrong. It was me. I’m the one who had messed everything up, and I was trying to figure out exactly how much of the truth I was going to tell.

  Collin went first.

  “The captain told us to learn how to tie a couple of knots,” he said. “So we did. Then we tied the two mooring lines on to the two small cleats on the dock. I guess we didn’t do such a good job.”

  “You did fine, son,” Captain McPherson said. “Those small lines were never meant to tie up the boat. They were just for practice, part of the educational programme the Pilgrim Spirit provides.”

  “Really?” Collin said. You could see how relieved he was.

  “It’s the main mooring that ties the boat down,” the captain said. “Did either of you touch that?”

  OK, there it was. The big question.

  “No, sir,” said Collin. “We wouldn’t do that.”

  I squirmed around in my seat like my pants were on fire. Captain McPherson looked over at me.

  “Something wrong, son?” he asked.

  “Well, I did kind of touch the main mooring,” I said.

  “I don’t understand,” said the captain. “Either you touch something or you don’t touch it.”

  “Well, if that’s the way you’re defining it, then I guess I did touch it,” I said. My forehead was sweating. No other part of me, just my forehead. That’s not true, either. My underarms were pretty wet too.

  “So that’s where you were when I kept calling you,” Collin said. He looked upset.

  Captain McPherson got up from behind the desk. He went to the window and opened the blinds. I could see the people waiting for us outside.

  Three people were standing by a really nice car. I think it might have been a BMW. They were probably Collin’s family. A pretty mum, a handsome dad and a cute little sister with bright red hair and freckles. Then there was my family, standing by our minivan. My mum with her hair flying all over the place. My dad still wearing his slippers, with his favourite mechanical pencil behind his ear. Emily, who was reading a book on reptiles while she was standing in the car park. Papa Pete was there too, looking worried in his bright red tracksuit.

  What would Papa Pete do if he were in my situation? I bet he’s never told a lie in his life.

  I didn’t plan on what happened next. But when I opened my mouth, out it came!

  “I didn’t mean to do it,” I blurted out. Captain McPherson turned from the window and looked me right in the eye.

  “What?” he asked. “You can tell me, son.”

  “I was just trying to figure out how to tie a cleat hitch,” I said, almost in tears. “We had this book of instructions, but the truth is, I can’t read very well. And I can’t follow diagrams, either. See, I have these stupid learning difficulties and lots of things that are easy for everyone else are hard for me.”

  I wasn’t almost crying any more. There were real tears streaming down my cheeks.

  “So I untied the main knot, because I thought it would help me learn how to tie a knot. You know, if I took it apart, then I’d see how it worked. But then I couldn’t put it back together. I tried, but I guess the knot just didn’t hold.”

  Collin’s mouth was hanging open. “Hank, why didn’t you tell me all this?” he asked.

  “Why didn’t I tell you? Are you kidding? I didn’t tell you because you’d think I was stupid. I just wanted to be friends, and I didn’t think you’d understand because you’re so perfect and clever and tall and everything.”

  I waited for Collin to say something, but he didn’t say anything. Not one word. Captain McPherson walked over to Collin.

  “Will you excuse us, son? I’d like to talk to this young man alone.”

  Collin got up and left. I watched him go.

  Bye bye, Collin Sebastian Rich the Fourth. I never should have tried to be your friend in the first place.

  Captain McPherson sat down on the edge of the desk.

  “Accidents happen, Hank,” he said. “That’s why we call them accidents. You didn’t intend to hurt anyone.”

  Captain McPherson put a hand on my shoulder.

  “You made a mistake in not telling an adult what you had done,” he said. “But then again, you did a lot of things right too. You called for help. You lowered the sails. You signalled that you were in distress. Hank, you showed real leadership. You have a lot to be proud of, young man.”

  “I’m really glad no one got hurt,” I said.

  “So am I,” said Captain McPherson. He offered me a box of tissues, and I blew my nose.

  I looked out of the window and saw my family. They were trying to look inside, to see if I was OK. Suddenly I wanted to be with them more than anything.

  Captain McPherson walked me to the door of the office.

  “You did the right thing by telling the truth,” he said. “To me and to your friend.”

  “You mean my ex-friend,” I said.

  “Real friends accept you for who you are,” he said. He reached out and shook my hand. Boy, did he have a huge hand. As we shook, I could no longer see mine. It’s like it got lost somewhere in his palm region.

  I went outside. Frankie and Ashley were standing right by the door.

  “You OK, Zip?” Frankie said.

  “We were so worried,” Ashley said.

  “I’m OK,” I said. “Let’s go home.”

  As we walked towards our families, Frankie reached into his bag and pulled something out.

  “I’m supposed to give this to you,” he said. “We all got one. It’s a souvenir from the Pilgrim Spirit.”

  Frankie handed me the souvenir.

  It was my very own copy of One Hundred Useful Nautical Knots. Just what I’d always wanted.

  CHAPTER

  26

  I was so tired, I slept the whole day. When I got up, my mum made me breakfast for dinner. Scrambled
eggs and bacon and toast. She knew I was feeling like I had failed my field trip, so she was being really nice. She didn’t even try to throw any tofu in the eggs or pass off her crunchy veggie-strips as real bacon.

  After dinner, Frankie and Ashley came up and we sat on the living-room floor, practising our knots. Ashley got bored with the knots and made sailing ships out of rhinestones instead. She glued them on brown paper and made one for her and one for her new friend Chelsea. Frankie taught me how to tie three knots in about ten minutes. It turns out they’re not that difficult, if you don’t have to read the instructions.

  While he was teaching me the bowline, which in case you’re interested is called the king of knots, the phone rang.

  “I’ll get it,” Emily said, diving for the sofa to grab the phone. “It’s probably Robert.”

  “If he wants to come over, tell him he has to put Scotch tape over his mouth first,” Frankie said.

  Emily handed me the phone.

  “It’s for you,” she said. “It’s that guy Collin.”

  “Now if he wants to come over, tell him to hurry,” Ashley said.

  “Get real, Ash,” I said. “He’s calling to tell me how much I screwed up his life.”

  I took the phone and went into my room.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hank?” said Collin.

  “Yeah.”

  “Listen, I have a question for you,” he said.

  Let’s see. Which one was it going to be? Why did you ruin my field trip? Why are you so stupid? What’s wrong with you, anyway? There were so many to choose from.

  “What is it, Collin?” I asked.

  “I was wondering,” he said, “do you want to have a sleepover this Saturday?”

  CHAPTER

  27

  We had a great time at our sleepover. Papa Pete took us bowling and got us root-beer floats. We watched scary movies on TV and played Monopoly and told knock-knock jokes until my parents said we had to go to sleep. Oh, by the way, there were three of us. Collin, Frankie and me. We all got along great together. Ashley slept over at Chelsea’s house.